It takes 42 muscles to frown, but just 28 muscles to smile.
Though it only takes 4 muscles to reach out and slap someone in the mouth

"Man who says it cannot be done should not interrupt woman doing it."

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're standing on.

The second thing to go is the memory. I can't remember what the first thing is.

Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly

Two wrongs don't make a right. But three rights make a left

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

If at first you don't succeed. . . Parachuting probably isn't for you.

As long as there are tests, There will be prayer in schools

I try to take one day at a time, but lately several days have attacked me at once

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most

STRESS: A condition brought on by over-riding the bodies desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.

Never argue with a stupid person. First they'll drag you down to their level. And then they'll beat you with experience.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

Imagination is more important than knowledge
~Albert Einstein

"I know my friend will come for me. I have her watch."
~Mondo, MCK

Three out of four doctors recommend another doctor.
Dogs come when called. Cats take a message and get back to you.

Nothing would ever get done if it weren't for the last minute

Don't take life too seriously-it's not like you're getting out alive

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it

Cats are smarter than dogs - you won't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Never go out to meet trouble. If you will just sit still, nine times out of ten someone will intercept it before it reaches you.

Today is a gift... that's why it's called the present

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
~Mark Twain

there's barely enough room to swing a cat, let alone spank a monkey
~The Sinner by Rozefire

Mirrors are overrated
~Chaz Filkins

Tact is for people who are not witty enough to be sarcastic

I make it my policy to always obey women yielding spatulas.
~The Sound of Her Voice by sugarsprite

"Death by tea cup. Damn, why didn't I think of that?"
~Chronicles of Riddick

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

The difference between reality and fiction: fiction has to make sense.

Time is a great teacher. But unfortunatly it kills all of its pupils.

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his rib cage.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally!